The Horror aka Tony Stark Age 9
by Q.E.D. 221B
Summary: A young Phil Coulson and Jasper Sitwell plot how they can stop their group home from being taken over by General Ross and 'The Abomination'. They Settle for an abomination of their own. Parody of 'The Consultant'. Fill for meme prompt.


**THE CONSULTANT**

"There's some more pancakes if you want," Jasper (aka Speacial Super Agent Sitwell, Jasper Sitell (like James Bond)) announced as his best friend hefted himself up onto the window seat cushion opposite his. "Ms. Hill made them this time. They're really good."

Phil shifted uncomfortably where he sat and didn't respond.

Jasper glanced up from his breakfast.

The smile that was so often spread across his little round face drooped somewhat around the edges upon spotting his friend's concerned frown.

"It didn't go well, did it?" he sighed.

Phil's frown darkened.

"No," he murmured. "It did not."

"Was it as bad as we thought?"

"Worse," Phil sighed.

Jasper's eyes widened.

"What happened?" he asked.

Fiddling moodily with the toe of his sock, Phil slowly replied, "I hid, not behind the curtain this time, in the coat closet."

"Good idea Agent P," Jasper cried. "They'd never look in there. It's summer."

"My thought pros-presis… exactly," Phil replied with a small nod and a tiny pleased smile twitching at the corners of his lips. "Anyway, I hided like we agreed. Mr. Fury had come to talk to Ms. Hill…"

"What about!"

Phil's eyes narrowed suspiciously.

"Maybe I shouldn't tell you," he giggled, "Only the specialest of special agents are allowed to know-"

"Philllll!" Jasper whined.

"Oh alright?" Phil replied. "Well you know how we found out Ms. Hill might be moving?"

Jasper nodded.

"When we got caught last time?"

"When you got us caught."

"You sneezed."

"You got dust up my nose."

"You said hide behind the curtains," Jasper declared, before stuffing the remainder of his second pancake into his mouth and pointedly starting on the third, which was nothing if not a clear indication that in his eyes, the situation had been settled.

Phil rolled his eyes (he saw Mr. Fury do it once when Tony spit water on the back Brucie's shirt, trying to annoy him (Brucie's tantrums were legendary. Phil and all the others had heard about him from their previous foster homes before they'd even met him).

"Whatever," he scoffed (Mr. Fury does that a lot too). "What matters is that Mr. Fury's bosses-"

"Mr. Fury has bosses?" Jasped gasped.

"Well yeah, I guess," Phil replied with a shrug. "I mean, he's gotta. There's the president and then there's… there's… um-"

"Maybe it was the president," Jasper suggested, "His boss."

Phil frowned.

"Well then I'm not going to vote for him," he announced, crossing his arms over his thin chest with a loud huff. "He's stupid."

Jasper frowned.

"Why?" he asked.

"Because they want General Ross to take over for Ms. Hill. And you know what that means."

Jasper gasped.

"The Abomination."

Both Jasper and Phil grimaced at the thought of the General's teenage bully of a son, Emil Blonksy or as everbody at the SHIELD Group Home liked to call him, The Abomination, under the same roof as them.

"Yeah," Phil nodded gravely (at least, as gravely as a ten year old can nod). "_And_ one of the conditions of him coming here is that Brucie has to leave, because Ross and the President think it's his fault, what happed the last time him and Blonk-"

"The Abomination."

"They really don't like it when we call him that."

"It's true though."

"Yeah, I know," Phil scoffed. "But anyway, that means we'll have to deal with those two big bully's, no Ms. Hill and no Brucie."

Jasper frowned.

"Mr. Fury doesn't want this does he?"

Phil shook his head fiercely.

"But it's the President… or someone even more important than that!" he cried. "He can't just _not_ do as they say."

Biting his lip, Jasper mumbled, "But there has to be something we can do."

Phil nodded distractedly, propping his chin up on his hands.

"But what can we do?" Jasper asked.

Phil squeezed his eyes shut and thought really, really hard.

"Well, the general's going to visit tomorrow, to see how everything goes here Mr. Fury said. That's the only chance we've got."

Jasper nodded determinedly.

The boys fell silent for a moment as they struggled to form a plan.

But not too long later, Jasper set his fork down and grinned.

"We should send a Patsy," he announced.

Phil frowned.

"A Patsy?"

"Someone who will ruin everyone. They could trip, or sick up on the general, or anything that will show him he'd not like it here."

Phil slowly nodded his understanding.

"I can do it," Jasper volunteered. "I'm a great Patsy."

Phil nodded again.

"Yeah you are," he giggled. "You're the King of Patsies. Actually, when people say Patsy I think about-"

"Hey!"

"That's a good idea but I don't know if it will be enough."

"What do you think then?" Jasper asked, setting his plate aside and leaning forward to watch, what he was sure was, a brilliant plan in the making.

"He could ignore a Patsy," Phil explained. "He could even ignore two. What we need is someone to annoy him. Someone who will tease and poke and prod and swear and scream and give him such a big headache that he would never ever dream of coming back, never mind living here."

Jasper grinned.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" he giggled.

Phil's eyes widened innocently.

"No. Honestly no, I swear," he gasped, holding up his hands.

Jasper continued giggling.

"You were talking about Ton-"

"No, stop it," Phil scolded, although he too now was struggling to hold back mischievous hysterics. "We're not sending **him** in!"

* * *

**24 HOURS LATER…**

"You slept in."

Jasper nodded dozily, climbing up onto the window seat cushion opposite his best friend.

"Is the General here yet?"

Phil smiled.

"Been and gone," he replied.

Jasper gasped, a wide, toothy grin stretching across his face.

"It worked?"

"Oh yeah," Phil giggled.

"What happened?"

"Tony outdid himself," Phil replied, "That's what Mr. Fury said. He followed General Ross around during the inspection. He sang, he kicked, he teased, he pinched and then when The General tried to put him in time-out on the front step, he finger-painted all over his car."

Phil giggled as Jasper gasped for air in between an unrelenting fit of laughter.

"It was a rental."

**-THE END-**


End file.
